2 months into this crazy new

Little baby B had his 2 month check up today and so far so good.  He’s growing well.  He appears to be healthy.  A mama’s favorite thing to hear at these check ups and a major difference from how almost all of C’s check ups would go.  He got a few shots and the lab slip to take him for his DNA test fro Cystic Fibrosis. And I can’t help but have the morbid thought that if this baby truly is the complete opposite of his big brother as he has continued to prove time and time again, then maybe he will have CF.  What a horrible thought. And no logic behind it.  It’s stupid.  Pure, straight stupid for me to think something like that.  I know it.  But I guess those little doubts are just making themselves known to me.  Because I know the odds are with me.  And I know that it’s fabulous that he looks healthy.  And that we haven’t heard anything from the state regarding his newborn screen (and our peds office STILL doesn’t have the results. UGH.)  And the funny thing is that I almost never think about cystic fibrosis anymore.  It’s almost like I have written it off as done and over. And when I realize that, it scares me more! I am apparently way more superstitious than I ever realized before.  

In other news, Life has hit a good rhythm. C is becoming very good at being 2 and that has proved to be much more challenging than having a newborn. Although for the record, B is just an angel baby so the curve is skewed this time around.  B is starting to sleep in longer stretches at night and if I could just get myself to bed before 1130pm, I’d probably be feeling pretty rested these days.  C had his 2 year check up and is continuing to catch up on his growth.  We got the thumbs up and no extra appointments which is a win with him! And the husband and I are considering a mini vaca with out new family of four sometime this fall which is enough of a carrot for this horse to keep plugging away at home with the boys.  ;)

I’m hoping to post about the blood draw.  Stay tuned… I have been looking back at some old posts I did on babycenter and emails I wrote to friends from when we were dealing with all of C’s issues and I seriously appreciate that I have documented so much. It helps me remember how I felt in those moments and that perspective is so valuable.   Just talking to my husband the other night about how scared we were during my pregnancy with C almost brought me to tears – and it seems like I have forgotten (or blocked out) some of my fears that ended up being unfounded.  I don’t ever want to forget how this potential diagnosis made me feel.  I want to grow from it. I want to have more empathy for others because of it.  I want my baby to be healthy AND I want to appreciate what a gift that is by not forgetting how it felt to not be able to take that for granted.



I’m still alive!!

As I could have predicted, my opportunities to post are fewer and farther between with the additional of little B to the family.  He is now 7 weeks old and proving at every opportunity that he is a different baby than his big brother.  That’s a good thing for me because C came out with a dramatic flurry, a contusion, jaundice, then thrush..and then reflux..and appointments and more appointments…B on the other hand has been a breeze (and I knock on wood as I type this.)  He’s a sleepy sweet baby with a tiny touch of colic and a mild case of jaundice and a whole lot of just normal.

We are just about to start down the path of definitive testing for CF but right now things look good.  Real good.  He’s growing well.  He’s appearing healthy.  We have heard nothing from the state (VERY GOOD SIGN.)  This might be enough for most people but I still need that DNA test to make me feel sure.  Every time I start to feel pretty confident there is one though that pops up and makes me cool my jets and pause my celebration. The one thought?  The Johns Hopkins CF database…

The database (found at http://www.cftr2.org/) is a great source of information about individual mutations of the CF causing gene.  And it was here that I first realized that my husband’s mutation was rare.  VERY rare.  And that the combination of my and my husband’s mutation was not very well documented but that it appears that the combination of my very common and his very uncommon mutation is a less severe form of CF. That could be good news if you have this combination of gene’s but there is also another side to that.  To me, the inference I could make is that the numbers are so low of known cases of CF with our combination of mutations because the standard tests performed at birth do not catch this combination.  I believe it is very possible that people are walking around with a milder form of CF and not realizing that it what they have.  That they think they have asthma and that they just happen to have bronchitis a lot.  And it’s because of this that I can’t quite celebrate yet. 

So hang onto your streamers and party hats a little longer.  We are planning to get the lab slip from the pediatrician in 2 weeks at B’s 2 month check up.  The DNA test will tell us for sure if we have something great to celebrate.   

In the meantime, C turned 2 ending my very short reign of mama to 2 under 2.  He is surprisingly good at being 2 for only having celebrated his birthday a couple weeks ago.  The tantrums are getting stronger and my patience is definitely getting shorter.  I’m in need of a mama’s day off in the very near future.  On the brighter side of two, his communication skills are just growing by the day.  We are loving hearing more of how he thinks now that he has the vocabulary to share his thoughts.  He’s a sweet and funny boy when he isn’t throwing a fit :O  

The transition to two children continues to be smoother than I expected.  I have been venturing out with both boys on my own and really feel like I’ve got the hang of the 2 kid thing.  It’s been much easier to go from 1 to 2 than it was from 0 to 1.  I believe this is because I’m already a mom.  I already know that I can’t just grab my purse and go.  I already have a life that is centered around being a mom.  Sure, I’ve had to make some tweaks and adjustments to get B’s needs in there but motherhood was the big transition and I made that one 2 years ago.  

With two napping boys, I’d be crazy not to use every minute to the fullest.  So now that I’ve blogged and caffeinated (a cup of coffee while I typed), I am ending this to go work on dinner. 

It’s been awhile and introducing B!

So it’s been awhile since I’ve posted…For good reason


On June 21st, we welcomed our second son into the world.  Little man “B”  was 6lbs 15.5oz and 18.5 inches long.  I was due on the 27th but at my appointment on the 20th, my amniotic fluid level had dropped again and was right at the 5cm point which is the thresh hold for “low fluid.”  My OB thought it best that we do ahead and induce labor.  The next morning Grandma came over to stay with C and the husband and I were off to the hospital.  By 830am I was hooked up to the pitocin and by 930pm, little B was born.  I found labor and delivery to be much easier the second time around and recovery has been a breeze in comparison to C.  


So to the big question.  Cystic Fibrosis.  Does he or doesn’t he?  Well, the short answer is we just don’t know quite yet.  But the signs are looking good.  B had his newborn CF screening done at birth per the state regulations.  No news in this case is good news.  And 3.5 weeks later we have not heard from the state.  They should have contacted us directly in the event that any of his newborn screenings came back positive or questionable.  That being said, I have forgotten to ask our pediatrician at any of Bs appointments whether they have received the results  – they were supposed to request them but I’m actually betting they haven’t even done it yet.  As I’ve bitched about before, pediatrician’s = good, the rest of the staff = questionable.  And because our primary pediatrician was on vacation when B was born, we have been seeing her partner who is very nice, but not quite as aggressive.  Her plan of action has been to wait for the newborn screen results and then order a blood test after. Her logic begin that he was already having so much blood drawn, that it would be gentler on him to wait a bit for another blood draw – makes sense I guess. So since we haven’t received the newborn screen, we haven’t moved on to step 2 which is the definitive dna test.  


At 3 1/2 weeks though signs are good.  Little B has been growing well.  Pooping good :)  And yes, I’ve licked him (I imagine only moms of CF kids or CF concerns have ever felt the need to LICK their kid) and he DOES NOT taste salty.  None of this is definitive though and I won’t be letting out that last big exhale until we have DNA results – which based on experience, could be awhile yet.  In the meantime I’m enjoying my baby boy.  Knowing that this will be our last little newborn is bittersweet.  I’m trying to suck in every ounce of it and enjoy all the little things that I know from C will pass all too quickly.  And for the record, C LOVES his baby brother.  He couldn’t love him more.  Is there an antonym for “jealous?” Because that would describe C with his brother.  He wants him included in everything.  He wants to give him kisses an hugs all day.  He wants to share his toys with him. He just wants to be near him as much as possible.  Warms a mama’s heart and makes me so relieved that C already sees his little brother as a gift.  


With a newborn and a toddler in the house my updates are surely going to be slow but I will be posting any CF updates as they come.  

Tomorrow may be the day!

Today I had one of twice weekly appointments with my OB for an NST and fluid check. 

My fluid levels around the baby have been slowly diminishing over the last month and today they were pretty much at the limit for low/acceptable (5cm).  It’s not an OMG kind of emergency but it seems that the risk/benefit has shifted and there just isn’t a great reason to keep me pregnant at this point in case the fluids continue to drop – especially considering that I’m due in one short week.  One of the complications I had with C’s pregnancy was low fluid so this is something we know quite a bit about and something that they were watching me closely for because of my past issues.  It was ultimately our decision whether we wanted to risk waiting it out with more observation in the hopes that I would go into labor naturally before the fluid level dropped farther or go for an induction but we decided that after a nice uneventful pregnancy (minus the cystic fibrosis question) that we wouldn’t rock the boat by tempting fate. 

As of right now, I have a scheduled induction set up at 7am tomorrow.  I still have to call them tomorrow morning and make sure they have room for me so it’s not set completely in stone and may get pushed back if a lot of women go into labor naturally or have an emergency between now and then. But even if it’s pushed back, this baby should be here in the next few days. 
Wish me luck -


An update and a CF rant

Coming in at 36 weeks and 4 days and I am really getting anxious to get this show on the road.  This pregnancy has felt like an eternity and the thought that it could go on for another 4 weeks is depressing! I am not one of those “I love pregnancy” women.  I am one of those, “the last three months makes me ready to push a watermelon out of my body no matter what the pain involved” kind of women.  And quite honestly, after the year I have had, I am really looking forward to my first post pregnancy beer.  Even if it still a while before I actually have the energy to have that beer. Pregnancy-wise,   I have been feeling very normal still.  No contractions.  No concerns. I feel large.  VERY large.  I have minor spurts of energy each morning and late at night but feel like a slug most of the day.  I’m having a harder time getting comfortable and in general I just hurt.  I’m clearly ready to pop.  Tomorrow we go to the Maternal Fetal Medicine office for what should be my last high risk appointment.   I’m expecting a growth scan to ensure this little one is staying on his curve and not much else.  Otherwise it has been business as usual for me – which means 2 appointments a week with my OB to continue to monitor this little guy with NSTs and fluid checks.

Even as the days pass by and my due date approaches, I’m still yet to feel any more major emotions about the Cystic Fibrosis risk this baby faces.  I’m not sure if I’m in denial…or maybe I am really at peace with it?  (No – I don’t think that is it).  Probably I have just talked myself into acceptance.  Which is different than peace.  I think maybe I’m just in that middle ground where I accept that there is nothing I can do at this point.  But am far from any peace in terms of any possible diagnosis.  I think I just wore myself out with emotions and I’m in hibernation mode right now.  I’m sure I’ll have a major rush or either despair OR relief when we have a true answer to the question that has been looming since December.

I am finding that CF continues to be a trigger for me.  On the baby board I frequent a post from January popped back up that included a lot of very incorrect generalizations about CF.  The main one being that because you have no family history of CF, you are somehow low risk for being a carrier.  Which is WRONG.  Most people who test positive for the CF mutation have no reason to believe that they would.  And most parents of CF babies are just as shocked, having no history of CF to look back on and point to.  No reason to have been concerned.  No reason to think that this would happen to THEIR baby. Quite obviously most people are very ill informed about CF.  Before it happened to me, I was one of them! Except I didn’t spout off like I knew anything about CF.  I never acted like an authority saying that you’d know if you were at risk.  I knew little on the topic so I didn’t speak to the topic.  Which is a much safer approach.  It angers me to see people spreading false information about something that is now so close to my heart.  Here’s something I have learned from this experience -



There are no signs or symptoms that you are a CF carrier.

There does NOT have to be a family history of Cystic Fibrosis for you to be a carrier.

There are risks that a baby has at birth if they have CF and awareness of these risks is important.

Get tested people.  Just do it.  Don’t decline.  Don’t think you are young and healthy so it doesn’t apply to you.  Don’t think you don’t need to know simply because you wouldn’t terminate (I wouldn’t terminate for CF either but the knowledge has helped my doctors monitor my pregnancy better AND has impacted our family planning).  And really don’t think that just because you don’t have a family history of CF, that it translates into you don’t have a risk of being a carrier.  It doesn’t.  It just means your family has been lucky.


And to all the women who are using their own experience with a negative result as their expertise on CF testing – The only difference between you and me is that you ended up not being a carrier.  Your test was not a waste of time or money.  You are lucky.  I’d trade results and pay your bill in a heartbeat if I could.  Count your blessings and move on.

This is why I don’t play the odds..

A little over a week ago we had a scare in our house.  And I guess when I say “scare” I really mean “the scariest f-ing 7 minutes of both me and the husbands lives.”  

It was a lazy Sunday around our house.  We had talked about venturing out but realized mid morning that C had been running a fever of 100.  Nothing too terrible and other than a low appetite he was acting like himself.  We decided that given his fever, it best we stay home and just let our Sunday unfold in our living room.  Late afternoon C was acting like maybe he needed a second nap.  Normally he only has one a day but given that he was still running a fever I figured it best to let him sleep when he wanted.  It was almost 6pm and C was still asleep.  The husband decided to go wake him up so he could have some dinner and some alert time before his nap blended into his bedtime.  We took his temperature and it was a blazing 103.  I’ve always been a bit stingy with fever reducers following  the logic that a fever is a sign our bodies are doing their job.  Usually I only bring it out if C is visibly uncomfortable, not acting like himself, or if he has been running a high fever for a while.  My plan at this point was to give him some juice and some grapes, let him “air out” post nap and then follow up with a lukewarm bath.  If his fever was still high, then bring out the fever reducer.  As it turns out, we never got that far.  

C and the husband were sitting on the couch together watching some kids videos on YouTube while C ate some grapes.  C was acting completely normal at this point, enjoying his video time with dad and showing the most appetite he had all day.  I left the living room to cut some more grapes in the kitchen and almost immediately I hear the husband shouting C’s name.  There is clear panic in his voice. At this point it all becomes a blur.  What I can remember is that my husband was standing now and holding C and C was clearly unconscious.  We both tried to get some response from him but he was the definition of “unresponsive.”  I remember the hubs saying something about maybe C was choking.  I think really he was asking me if he was choking.  He told me that C had started shaking and he thought he was cold.  He looked down at him as he went to tuck a blanket around him and saw that his eyes had rolled back.  Somewhere in the back of my head I remembered reading about seizures in children being triggered by fever.  And while I also remembered that they were not supposed to be a huge concern, immediately all I could think was that we had to get him to the ER immediately.  C was no longer shaking but he still was not conscious.  We were both clearly in a state of panic.  And the panic continued to grow by each long second.  C stayed non responsive for a solid 7 minutes.  Long enough for us to discuss what was happening and decide to go to the ER.  Long enough for us to decide how we were going to get to the hospital (I ended up driving while the husband held C).  Long enough for me to realize we were about to leave the house without a cellphone and run back in to grab the husbands.  Long enough to get almost all the way to the hospital (3.3 miles and an 8 minute drive according to GoogleMaps) before C made a sound.  In those 7 minutes, I remember asking the husband over and over again, “is he breathing?” Every horrible thought and feeling came over me during that 7 minutes. I remember feeling a huge rush of relief when C finally made a little cry because it was the first time we were able to be sure that he was in fact breathing, it had been so quiet and shallow before that.  

When we arrived at the ER we were both a little stressed to find that the waiting room was packed.  A few looked like true emergency situations but there were also a fair share of people who clearly were not in any sense experiencing an emergency – like the cranky old man who’s arm had been hurting for a few days and had decided that Sunday evening sounded like a good time to hit the ER (FYI – he was sent home with a stabilizing brace and instructions to follow up with his normal doctor the next day).  I had some serious mama rage at this point but I knew that it wouldn’t help us get him seen any sooner.  As we waited to see a triage nurse, C started to come around a little more but he was still in a daze. The first thing we did was pick half a grape out of his mouth.  During the seizure his mouth had locked and we couldn’t tell if he still had food in it.  Turns out he did.  Which thank god, he did not choke on.  Our normally energetic and curious boy was a shell of himself.  He kept his head down on the husbands shoulder, pools of drool leaking out of his mouth.  His eyes looked around but he never picked his head up.  He looked confused.  He looked like he was maybe in a state of shock.  Occasionally he let out a cry.  I was doing my best to keep from doing the same.  

I’ll speed the story up a bit here.  We spent about 4 1/2 hours in the ER that day.  During that time C vomited all over himself and the husband (resulting in each of them getting a new outfit to wear courtesy of the hospital staff).  He was given some fever reducers and anti nausea meds and after some pedialyte he was given a catheter so a urine sample could be cultured to ensure there was no underlying infection which caused the seizure.  Otherwise he was simply observed.  After about hour 3 he started to act like himself.  The husband even got him to laugh.  Music to my ears. 

The verdict: My first instinct was correct. C suffered from a febrile seizure brought on by his fever rising too quickly. Some 2-4% of children are said to experience febrile seizures.  As long as the seizure is preceded by a fever, there is only one seizure per illness, and the child is under 6 years of age, this is considered *NORMAL.*  Yes – a seizing child is “normal.”  We were sent home with instructions to watch him closely and bring him back if he seized again, started vomiting, or started to act “off” and follow up with our pediatrician in the morning.  You can imagine how much sleep I got that night. Despite the fact that febrile seizures do not cause long term effects and are not an underlying cause of something bigger and badder – both the pediatric doctor in the ER and our pediatrician agree that they are terrifying to watch. 

C is at risk of more seizures if he has a rising temperature.  Moving forward we will be doling out the fever reducers at the slightest sign of a true fever to try to prevent another seizure.  


C has *always* been my special child when it comes to odds.  During my pregnancy with C, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes (with zero risk factors).  GD affects about 18% of pregnant women (although until recently it was thought to be 2-4%).  Shortly there after my OB realized that I had low amniotic fluid (oligohydramnios).  This affects about 4% of pregnancies.  Because of these conditions I was being very closely monitored with C – and not long after he was diagnosed as IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction), meaning that he was not growing correctly, indicating that he was not recieving the amount of nourishment one would expect.  This affects roughly 3% of pregnancies.  See where I am going with this?  After birth C had to spend some time in the NICU (as does 10-15% of US born babies).  After being discharged he immediately developed thrush (2-4% of babies develop thrush) which we battled for close to 2 months.  Along with the thrush, C developed sever acid reflux.  I’m not talking spit up here.  Spitting up is common in infants and to some degree so is a low level of reflux. But I’m talking Linda Blair in the exorcist after EVERY SINGLE MEAL type of reflux.  My poor little guy would eat and eat and eat, only to lose 90% of what he ate within 10 minutes of finishing his meal.  Which resulted in weight checks.  Lots of weight checks.  And medication.  And falling off the charts.  My little guy was wearing a 6-9 month onesie at a weight check at 13.5 months where he weighed in at the 4th percentile (up from the 2nd!) and measured in the 1st for height.   And lets not forget the hemangiomas my son has on his head and shoulder.  Hemangiomas are a birthmark of sorts that affect about 2 percent of babies.  C was lucky in that his were small but because he had more than 1 (only 20% of children with hemangiomas have more than 1) and because of their placement, we had a CT scan done at 6 months to ensure he didn’t also have internal hemangiomas.  And we can’t forget that he is now one of the roughly 4% of people who are carriers of a CF mutation. Now lets add on febrile seizures to the list.  He’s had a busy 22 months of life.     

At almost 36 weeks pregnant, I can only hope that this little one beats our family odds. C likes to live in the 4% realm.  It has become a running joke in my family that if the odds are in the 4% family, then C will hit them!  I’m really hoping this kid decided to be a little less of an individual.  I don’t know if I can handle another one like C! 

I’ll pass on the Hollywood version

Fair warning:  This is a full on rant.  I just felt like ranting and what better place than my “secret” blog.  Especially since the people I would normally vent to are some of the offenders.  



It seems like it’s very “hip” to have some sort of commentary or opinion on motherhood these days.  Whether it be about being a SAHM (stay at home mom), working mom, cloth diapering, vaccinating, judgey moms, the sisterhood of mothers, or whatever.  It’s posh. It’s cool.  It’s hip – to have a momerism.  It feels like every mom has to have an identity beyond just “mom.”  What kind of mom am I?  Who do I identify with?  Am I a crunchy mom?  Am I the type to watch “The Business of Being Born” and have a home birth in a pool of water with a doula and gush to my friends about the birthing process?  Or am I going to stock up on disposable diapers, pray for a quick epidural, and terrify my friends who haven’t had kids yet with stories about the ring of fire, colic and breastfeeding woes.  I must figure it all out and tell EVERYONE about it.  And in a fun way.  Not a judgey way.  Like an, “I’m so assured of my parenting choices as I make each of them, with my 2 week old daughter and you should all look at me and listen to me and know that I am just so very sure that I’m doing it the best way.”  Honestly, I’m so over it.  I’m sick of the articles being shared on Facebook.  I’m sick of the mommy blog.  I’m tired of the cute videos of moms trying to explain what it’s like to be a mom – all of which coincidentally only really get shared by women who are already moms and already get it.  Every so often it hits home for me and I consider sharing via social media but then I realize that there is no point.  Everyone who would care to read it probably has it shared 50 times by all their other mommy friends and no one else cares.  Seriously.  They don’t care.  Our non mom friends are dying for a facebook filter to block all the shares that have to do with how awesome, hard, important, etc it is to be a mom.  And really, what does a woman know about her job as a parent until it’s clear what kind of child she raised?  And then isn’t that mom’s choices and experiences almost moot because the environment that they raised their child in has changed so much that it’s not even comparable to the next generation of parents and children?  I’m going down the rabbit hole here, but my point is really that other than being catchy, or self affirming, it’s hard to really see much value in all of these mommyisms beyond killing 5 minutes of the day. 

That all being said, being a blogging, pinteresting, super mom who also feels the need to continually remind everyone how overwhelming motherhood really is is somehow now what we are supposed to aspire to be.  It kills me how on so many of the blogs and articles I’ve come across the women authors lay out how difficult it is to keep it all together while always managing to share pictures of themselves and their children seemingly keeping it all together with ease.  It’s like the super thin model who eats a cheeseburger and fries in public to give the impression to the world that they really get to eat that way (spoiler alert- they don’t really get to eat that way regularly). 

I’m not really helping the problem here.  And it’s really not so much a problem to me as it is just another way that people have used social media to make their live’s look better than they really are (better being a very subjective term). I’m just ranting.  Mostly because I am a SAHM.  With little adult interaction.  Who just spent a couple hours cleaning my house (which in my heavily pregnant state is a chore and a half and on the same note has been getting a little neglected lately) for a visit by a friend, who just texted me to let me know she couldn’t make it after all.  This is the third friend to do this to me in the last couple weeks – leaving me at zero visitors since I can’t remember when.  All of them had valid excuses and I’m not mad so much as just disappointed.  Again and again disappointed. And with other things taking priority in the lives of my extended family it is also par for the course as far as they go as well.  I thought I’d have my mom helping me entertain my little one more at this point (because she loved to entertain the little ones before him and she had implied that she would be there for me) but she hasn’t had any real availability as it turns out and probably won’t in the next month or so either.  My husband just returned from a week long business trip and is so busy catching up at work from being away on work (funny how that works but having once had a “real” career I do remember what that is like) that I’m still picking up the slack around the house.  And I just found out that he can’t watch C for my first NST next week because he has a meeting which means I get to try to wrangle a 21 month old for 20-30 minutes while hooked to monitors and unable to stand up.  Because of course, I have no one else available to watch him – which reminds me that I really need to look into some reliable babysitters despite being scared shitless of leaving him alone with someone I hardly know.  And while I should, according to my facebook feed, be ready to fill the rest of my afternoon with some amazing activity I found on Pinterest, or writing a rap about driving a minivan, or making some gluten free, low sugar, toddler muffins for C, I’m pouting.  Because being a mom is not always cool.  It’s probably not best described as hip.  I can always church it up with some instagram filters but the truth is that it’s not always fun.  A lot of times it is just about getting though the day.  Sometimes it is days and days strung together of just trying to get through the day.  All moms (and dads) have their own set of challenges.  Their own strengths.  Their own weaknesses.  Some situations are better than others.  Some have more help.  Some have more patience.  It’s hard to put us all on the same playing field because we all come out the gate with unique scenarios.  And my scenario right now is that at 33 weeks pregnant, I have pretty much no one who has the availability to help me out.  That’s not their fault.  This is my life – and I am not entitled to anyone’s help.  I know that I must take responsibility for my own situations and always be prepared to do whatever it is on my own.  But it sucks.  I did think that I’d have some more family support at this stage of pregnancy.  That’s not how it’s turned out and I find that very disappointing and disheartening. It’s tough to be on your own, especially when it always seems to be a bad time for others to help you despite you always having been available to help them.  But life is like that.  We all have good days and bad days – not just moms.  Everyone.  And we all have slumps.  And I think I’m in one.  And while I sit at home in my crabbiness with just my son and dogs to keep me company (none of who are really able to communicate effectively) feeling lonely and forgotten, I fully intend to roll my eyes at every Youtube video and Mommy blog that come across my newsfeed full of glitz and glam and sugarcoating trying to make motherhood the new Hollywood.